Divorce Regrets

When I was growing up divorce was rare, not so rare as to be unheard of, but rare enough that we all “knew” that it was wrong. I say “knew” because the feelings we had then was a hushed sense of wrongness, of understanding there was something unintended yet dynamically painful. Before the era of unilateral divorce, marriages had to be attacked from both sides, that is, both parties had to agree (in the sense of conferring consent) even if not on a personal, emotional or spiritual level. When divorce was one sided it was the aggrieved partner, the one who discovered an affair, or other horrific wrong to justify the divorce. Divorce is not the same today.

The ease with which a rebellious partner attains to a divorce is astounding. Michelle Davis (author; The Divorce Remedy) wrote, “My experience is that divorce is almost always unilateral. It’s not a democracy. One person gets to decide the fate of not only the marriage but the family.” And children are often the victims of one or both parents desire to dissolve a natural relationship in an unnatural way.  Chip Ingram (author; Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships) wrote, “They kept asking me to choose who I wanted to stay with. Why couldn’t they choose to stay together?”

Even if a divorced spouse later remarries and later find happiness (as I believe, in submission to the will of Adonai for marriage) the pain of the divorce has lasting consequences. Children’s lives fall apart (Elizabeth Marquardt; The Emotional Hurdles of Living Through a Divorce; FamilyLife.com Broadcast 10/24/06). In contrast to the children of divorce, children whose parents remain married received benefits (advantages) which extend into their adult lives (Linda Wait, Maggie Gallagher; The Case for Marriage).

And those benefits do not only accrue to the children, married partners in the long-term “live longer, healthier lives with higher levels of emotional well-being and lower rates of mental illness and emotional distress. (They) make more money than otherwise similar singles and build more wealth and experience – than do cohabitating (sic) couples with similar income levels.” (Maggie Gallagher, The Institute for Marriage and Public Policy).

Somewhere in searching for answers to why my ex wanted to become my ex I heard or read the statement that couples who struggled through the bad times five years later were far happier together than those who divorced and remarried. I know that though I’ve remarried and am happier to be with someone whose life is intertwined with my own, who loves the L0rd as much as do I, there is an undercurrent of unease. It is as if I understand that once having given up on a relationship, the easy way out of troubled times is to dissolve another relationship, divorce again. Should this really be the way?

In the years after I was forcibly divorced I felt so alone, as if I’d made a mistake, a horrible mistake and if I worked or believed enough I could fix the error and restore what was lost. As I said above, in finally coming to terms with my ex’s decision to abandon our family, I found someone better in so many ways, someone who trusts more in a loving G0d than in a flawed human decision making paradigm. I finally understand it isn’t about being with someone in a guaranteed relationship, one safe from divorce, it is about being in a right relationship with G0d.

I couldn’t make her want to stay, and I am not certain that if I could have I would have. My life with my wife (today) is far richer in so many ways. For one thing we understand that being married to someone who loves G0d more than self or the other matters more than anything else; that is, to have similarly based faith in HaShem.

We met pursuing similar goals in a post-graduate doctoral program, we were (she’s retired now) both school teachers. We both have an Hispanic background: my mother was born in Mexico, my father was raised in New Mexico and spoke Spanish while growing up, and her parents were missionaries in Mexico who learned Spanish in the field and lived in Venezuela where my wife learned Spanish as a first language.

What I am not saying  is these things alone, absent other factors, make for a good marriage, though it is common knowledge that similar backgrounds make for an easier path in marriage. The center of a good marriage is when both parties rely on faith in G0d more than anything else.

What I am saying is this, “…if there is even one-half of an ounce of friendliness left in your marriage, take each other by the hand, look at each other’s eyes and then remember of the love that brought you together in the first place! Let each other know, somehow, that you are needed, loved and wanted!” (Guy M. Bradley, West Point, Utah, Deseret News, January 11, 2001, Letters to the Editor, A-10).

A Modest Political Proposal

Republicans recently lost a seat to a Democrat in a viciously contested race in Alabama. The facts did not seem to matter as accusations without proof . Real not paid witnesses for the Moore camp proved the lie and Rinos, who either bad mouthed the Republican candidate or voted a write in, were too much for Judge Moore’s campaign. No doubt illegal voters also helped to spin the election marker into the Blue zone.

I propose that Republican’s use the same tactics as the Democrats and encourage the illegal immigration of potential voters with a carrot and a stick. Republicans, who have been behind the ball never learned to play the same election rigging game as well as the Democrats. It’s time Republicans learned the down and dirty Democratic way.

The carrot will be to promise them a path to citizenship, or even outright amnesty as long as they understand they must vote for a Republican in any contest. The trick to this is to disguise the stick as a carrot as Democrats have done so well for so long (1861 to present). Republicans must not shudder to learn from the left as Malcolm X learned (1) and keep the voting minority firmly in the Republican camp voting for our agenda.

Furthermore, Republican’s should pull another page from the liberal playbook; cannibalize your own. Democrats are using other Democrats accused of sexual misconduct, abandoning them as pawns in a game of election rigging, while they once supported Bill Clinton. This faux morality has much to recommend it to Republicans.

Opining from the moral high ground has many advantages, from getting rid of liberals that would have lost anyway to using the high ground to cast all manner of accusations at the opposition party.

The willingness to fund research is another game changer and Republicans must not deny that paying for opposition research (real or not) into the opposition as the DNC and HRC campaign did to use while standing on high.

If you think this is the answer then you need to read, Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.”

References

1. Malcolm X, Speech, God’s Judgement on America, December 4, 1963

In this deceitful American game of power politics, the Negroes (i.e., the race problem, the integration and civil rights issues) are nothing but tools, used by one group of whites called Liberals against another group of whites called Conservatives, either to get into power or to remain in power. Among whites here in America, the political teams are no longer divided into Democrats and Republicans. The whites who are now struggling for control of the American political throne are divided into “liberal” and “conservative” camps. The white liberals from both parties cross party lines to work together toward the same goal, and white conservatives from both parties do likewise.

The white liberal differs from the white conservative only in one way: the liberal is more deceitful than the conservative. The liberal is more hypocritical than the conservative. Both want power, but the white liberal is the one who has perfected the art of posing as the Negro’s friend and benefactor; and by winning the friendship, allegiance, and support of the Negro, the white liberal is able to use the Negro as a pawn or tool in this political “football game” that is constantly raging between the white liberals and white conservatives.

2. https://www.investors.com/politics/editorials/trump-is-right-millions-of-illegals-probably-did-vote-in-2016/

3. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/howard-foster/democrats-benefit-from-illegal-immigrants-voting_b_1418523.html