One day at a time

I discovered several important things long ago.

When I consider how to react to a collision of wills, I find that if I slow down and ask myself two questions; one is, “Is this worth arguing over?” And the next is, “Will this be something I will be upset about tomorrow.” Usually, I discovered that the answers to both questions were, “No.” Then I’d use this as an opportunity to improve my relationship.

Let me cite an example: I know a couple, just an average couple who were on their 2nd and 3rd marriages. As to be expected they were concerned the habits of yesterday would continue on into the 3rd and 4th marriage (for each) respectively, that is, to disrupt another marriage. They knew how their former marriages had failed and were determined that the past would not dictate the future. They both chose to consider how to make good habits through choice.

By habits I mean those ingrained, almost instinctive reactions we all have to life’s events. While it is true that small things bothering you can build up, it is equally true that you can choose how you respond to negative input.

When she left the shower light on after an evening shower the light would illuminate the room and make sleeping a challenge. He decided that this was not worthy of an argument, nor was it something that would last into the next day, and he deliberately chose to improve instead of letting it fester day by day.

He began to recite in his mind all the reasons he loved her and decided to look at the light as a way to perform a service to his wife. Each time he saw the light it became less of an intrusion and more of a loving service to the woman he dearly loved. He was essentially becoming joyful as he said, “I can do this for her. I can help her.” And his love for her grew with each day.

Little things can grow, but you choose which ones to water.

Here is a suggested document you may consider as an aid to scriptural Marriage Norms.

Marriage Norms

1. Remember that we love each other.

Ephesians 4:2-3 – Always be humble, gentle, and patient, bearing with one another in love, and making every effort to preserve the unity the Spirit gives through the binding power of shalom.

2. Listen respectfully when the other is speaking.

Luke 11:28 — But he said, “Far more blessed are those who hear the word of G-d and obey it!”

3. Provide an opportunity for the other person to speak.

Proverbs 15:23 — People take pleasure in anything they say; but a word at the right time, is very good.

4. Choose to be solution-oriented.

Proverbs 3:6 — In all your ways acknowledge him; then He will level your paths.

5. Acknowledge that Adonai is the ruler of the Universe and also our home.

Joshua 24:15 — If it seems bad to you to serve Adonai, then choose today whom you are going to serve! Will it be the gods your ancestors served beyond the River? or the gods of the Emori, in whose land you are living? As for me and my household, we will serve Adonai!

5A. Acknowledge the plain meaning of scripture

2 Timothy 3:16-17 — All Scripture is G-d-breathed and is valuable for teaching the truth, convicting of sin, correcting faults, and training in right living; thus anyone who belongs to G-d may be fully equipped for every good work.

6. Take time to relax together, unwind, and have a date night.

Ecclesiastes 11:10 — Therefore, remove anger from your heart; and keep from harming your body; for neither adolescence nor youth has any lasting value.

  6A. Sex – I Corinthians 7:5 — Do not deprive each other, except for a limited time, by mutual agreement, and then only so as to have extra time for prayer; but afterwards, come together again. Otherwise, because of your lack of self-control, you may succumb to the Adversary’s temptation.

  6B. Personal time – Matthew 6:6 — But you, when you pray, go into your room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. Your (heavenly) Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

7. Honor your vows and do not make rash promises.

Ecclesiastes 5:4 — Better not to make a vow than to make a vow and not discharge it.

Barriers and Concerns:

1. Schedule time for each other’s needs – body clock, wake, sleep, work, or leisure

Ecclesiastes 3: 7– a time to tear and a time to sew, a time to keep silent and a time to speak.

2. Pray and seek wisdom. At times the articulation of situations is difficult because it may be stated in a way that is not received well by the other person.

Jeremiah 33:3 — Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

3. Express needs promptly; seek to clarify not confront or diminish. Schedule time for discussion.

Ephesians 4:26 — You can “Be angry, but don’t sin – don’t let the sun go down before you have dealt with the cause of your anger…”

4. Pressures regarding personal health – hormone levels, allergies, health matters, family – social relationships – personal preferences with time usage, and other events.

1 Peter 5: 7 — Throw all your anxieties upon him, because he cares about you.

5. Time to focus and listen for meaning in silence.

James 1:26 — Anyone who thinks he is religiously observant but does not control his tongue is deceiving himself, and his observance counts for nothing.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 — a time to tear and a time to sew, a time to keep silent and a time to speak,

Potential Solutions

1. Prioritize/Honor scheduled times, whenever possible. If not then reschedule the next opportunity.

Colossians 4:5 — Behave wisely toward outsiders, making full use of every opportunity

2. Articulate the feeling in difficult situations in a way that is received well by the other person.

Ephesians 4:29 — Let no harmful language come from your mouth, only good words that are helpful in meeting the need, words that will benefit those who hear them.

3. Never assume understanding, ask for clarification before action.

Proverbs 4:7 — The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

Goals and Opportunities:

1. Honor scheduled times.

2 Timothy 2:15 — Do all you can to present yourself to God as someone worthy of his approval, as a worker with no need to be ashamed, because he deals straightforwardly with the Word of the Truth.

2. Articulate feelings in a kind and timely manner.

Proverbs I6:24 — Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the taste and healing for the body.

G-d bless and Shalom.

Dr. Ramón Argila de Torres y Sandoval